Posts (page 2)

Two long days in the office with a million things to do followed by four cities in two days with two planes very delayed and only one modestly early. That was the tough part.

On the satisfying side I met two new clients for the first time. The meetings went well and the people were interesting and fun. Got to Rhode Island for the first time. Providence seems like a cool, quaint New England town. Great crab cakes for lunch.

I would do this week again.

I just assumed use it or lose it applied to the mind as well as the body. It just made sense. I was unaware and unconcerned with the science behind this. There must be some new neuroscience studies out recently because in a couple of nonscientific periodicals I have read really cool stuff about the link between the brain and the mind.

Apparently the Dalai Lama was far ahead of western docs and scientists. The Men of science believed that the physical aspects of the brain (composition, chemicals, electrical patterns, etc.) make us who we are and that if the brain was affected or damaged in some way that it would affect the mind. The mind however could not change the brain.

The DL suspected that the power of the mind could also change the brain. This was supported by studies of monks who were masters of meditation. Their brains in some ways function differently. The mental training in meditation makes it easier for the brain to turn on circuits that underlie compassion and empathy. They had a stronger connection from the frontal regions of the brain to the emotion regions, which is the pathway by which higher thought can control emotions.

Why do I find this so cool?  I love when no-it-alls learn from people with another perspective. I like the idea that we can exercise the mind for own greater good. I enjoy when West and East come together instead of getting farther apart.

Something to think about.

Well, not in a Blanche DuBois kind of way. Most times strangers at best ignore you or get angry over the most modest of perceived slights. So I was surprised and pleased to the point of tears when yesterday a stranger went out of her way to be nice.

I have an autistic sister. She lives in a group home not to far away. While my Mom still does the heavy lifting for Sandy, my siblings and I take turns entertaining her on a Sunday afternoon. Sandy has limited speech, some behavioral quirks and will never be able to live on her own. Some days she is in more control of herself than others. Yesterday was a little less than more.

We walked around a mall for an hour waiting for Charlotte's Web to begin. While at no time did she fall to the ground screaming--been there, done that-- I could tell that she was more excitable than her best days. Tactical error by older brother. Bought too much popcorn and soda. Sandy needs to finish things. More on that later.

The crowd was young kids and parents. Sandy was talky from the get go. It didn't manner much during the previews but it continued once the movie began. Not overly loud but constant chatter. Nothing I did would quiet her. With an autistic sister you can handle things two ways. You can be be embarrassed or be her advocate. Yesterday I was a little of both. I tried to get her to stop because I certainly did not want others disturbed but I also realized that there was a baby crying occasionally and other kids talking. I wanted to keep her from overeating but realistically buying a large popcorn did not put my sister in an environment where she could succeed. As I said, Sandy needs to finish things. When I took the popcorn away she would get louder.

Half way through the movie a teenage usher came by and asked us to leave. My sister would have no part of that. I tried to get her to go but knew that screaming would soon occur. So I sat there, nervous and embarrassed, waiting for the usher to come back.

Then the calvary arrived. A woman in the row behind us went over to speak to the usher. She came back and leaned over to say something to me. I was certain that she was going to demand that we leave. To my amazement, she had told the usher to take a hike, that there were other kids standing, talking and making noise. That this is how young kids watch movies and that we should stay.

Sandy was quiet the rest of the movie. Once the popcorn was finished she stopped obsessing over it. I also believe she now understood that she needed to behave better. At the end of the movie my sister was laughing and joyous in a way that only the young at heart can be.

 I thanked the woman. I had had a brutal work week and this bit of kindness saved my sanity. We continued to talk and it was a moment before I realized I was being rebuked for not standing up for my sister. Often rebukes by strangers would make me mad but she was absolutely right and she had helped. Then the woman sitting on the other side of Sandy went out of her way to tell me that she was not bothered by my sister's behaviors. People can be quite understanding sometimes.

There is a lesson or two somewhere in this story.  I think I will ask Sandy to enlighten me.

For me, resolution at New Years has more to do with optics -- how well I see the world -- rather than making commitments. Though my physical vision deteriorates with age, I believe that I "see" better with each passing year.

There are two aspects to my improved sight. First, my abilities to see empathetically occur more frequently. I can even occasionally see through my son's or wife's eyes. At work I try to see things through the eyes of the young associates I work with and help to develop. However, at work I find it much more difficult to empathize with the perspectives of my peers and leaders of the firm. Most of them have worked their entire careers there and are challenged to see the need to embrace change.

I am also working on my context sight, understanding the situations and the emotional state of others. Context also improves sight. When I see things only through my context and my feelings I am myopic to the feelings of others.

Reading about all the horrors and hatred in the world from the Middle East to Africa to my home town makes me wish for greater resolution for all in this new year.

I resolve to see the other person's point of view in 2007.

Too often people and/or things don't work. Let's start with people. Two weeks a go I had a plumber come over, fix nothing and charge me $125 for a service call. With hardware and software, given my relative ignorance I often spend hours trying to make things act as they should or with incompetent help desk folk.

Today things generally went well. A garage door spring sprang Saturday night and it took 2 hour for me to get the door manually open so that we could remove my wife's car from the garage.  Called the repair guy Sunday Christmas eve day. Since this was not an emergency made an appointment for Tuesday morning. We have used the same one man shop for 12 years. He lives in a distant suburb and have contemplated finding someone closer. NEVER. This man shows up when he says he will, fixes what is broke, does it quickly and is always reasonable. He has talked me out of spending alot when he felt we could do as well for less. Once again he came, fixed, presented a reasonable bill and drove off into the day.

I then spent part of the day setting up Outlook to handle our email so that my wife could have her new Palm Pilot totally integrated. This was not the 1-2-3 process as I thought it would be but with liberal use of the help functions of both Outlook and our email provider I got it to work in less than a gazillion hours. This is all I ask of computer/software. That the help functions provide enough info to allow me to figure things out. Today I am smiling.

Went to an exciting hockey game tonight. The team from Chi town beat the Dallas Stars 2-1. The Stars are one of the best teams in the league. The Blackhawks seem to be coming around under new coach Denis Savard. The game was exciting throughout. Thanks to team President Peter Wirtz for some fantastic tickets.

I can't wait to do this again.

I was tagged by my buddy Frank to come up with five things. His are wild. Even if you do not know him they are worth checking out. Mine are:

1. I hit my kid. From the ages of 4-9 my son would frequently come up to groups of adults that I was talking to and  proclaim " My father hits me".  The first few times I was as mortified as the people standing around me, often new acquaintances. Then I developed a routine. "How many times did I hit you, D?" "Once"  he would reply. "And how old were you".  "Three". "And have I hit you since". "No" he would say matter of factly. "Thanks, now go play with the other kids." I would then talk of how a month or so before his fourth birthday we were having a tough father/son day. He was not doing whatever it was that I had asked him to which led to me chasing him around the house. When he got in his bedroom, he went kind of ostrich on me with his head on the floor, hands over his head and this butt sticking up to the sky.  While we had a no spanking rule, I lost it for a moment. Smack!  He was more stunned than hurt. I was felt worse than him. A story was born that day.
2. Singing messages. Back in the days of being single and when answering machines were relatively new, I sang. I made up greetings using tunes of Elvis, Buddy Holiday, the Beatles and others. Mostly Rock and Roll, some R&B. You had to really want to leave me a message because these little ditties could last over a minute in the early days when the machines used tape not chips for the greetings. I remember how disappointed I was when my new machine used a chip and limited greetings to 30 seconds. I learned to sing fast. Wish I had kept them.
3. The year of bedtimes stories. Before my son went  teenager on me I was the one with the privilege of tucking him in at night. It was a very special time for me and I hope for him. Early on we would just talk or I would read to him. It would help him relax and fall asleep. Sometime around age 8 or 9 I started telling original stories. This lasted every night for over a year. Several series were developed. First the boy and his magic llama. The lama could talk and would transport them through both space and time. There were the two German shepherds. Dog brothers owned by human brothers with their separate families. The two families would go on trips together. Nine kids total ranging from a few years to upper teens. Needless to say, the dogs often did heroic things. Knights of the round table and the three friends (a few years older than my son)  were two more favorites. The hang gliding family only lasted a few episodes.
4. Fear of falling off mountains. I do not really have a fear of heights, I have a fear of falling off really tall things. If there is a safety rail or an enclosed observation area, looking down is np. On the other hand, if there is nothing to stop my rapid decent into the abyss I am terrified. Considering that my family, including me, loves to hike in the mountains this can cause the occasional problem when the path narrows beyond my comfort zone. I have been known to move an inch at a time, hugging the side of the mountain as my wife and son skip merrily ahead. I can not even drive on some mountain roads. Every once in a while, I try to force the issue. On a hike at Lake Louise we came to a path that narrowly wound upward for 100 yards. Once past this section there was a beautiful view of mountains and valleys. My desire to snap the perfect picture momentarily overcame all else.  I made it maybe 20 feet when I panicked and faster than I have ever moved I made a 90 degree turn to the right finding myself on a slope consisting of loose rocks the size of softballs. Getting back down was both challenging and embarrassing as I had to respond to dozens of hikers asking me if I was OK. Did i look OK? 
5. I received a Fathers Day gift before I was a father. Well before I met my wife and son, I had a friend who was a single mom. The birth father never had anything to do with his child. Long story. I had time, she needed help and her daughter was as cute as they come. So I helped out. A Lot. It seemed like the right thing to do. In fact I never thought of it twice until I had friends ask what the hell I was doing. Being a good friend, a mench would be my typical response. Yes, at times I fed, bathed, changed the diapers of and played with Lucy. I even stayed over night a couple of times when her mom had to be out of town. Lucy and I became close. I am pretty good at the early years. I can toss kids up and down to make them laugh, read to them and go to the park. When she was three she gave me a fathers day present she made in preschool. She and her mom moved away a number of years ago and while I keep in touch by phone I have missed most of her growing up. She is 16 and a sophomore. In college.

Honorable mentions include my peanut butter addiction, karaoke, dancing on a giant speaker, my desire to be a comedian (no chance) or a columnist (think Dave Barry) and my ability to jitterbug reasonably well. 

First day off we finished the last of our holiday shopping. I then succumbed to a 2 hour nap even though I slept a full 8 that night. I have two strong reactions to naps. One side of my brain thinks they are a waste of time. I should be tough and get done one of the thousands of things that always need doing.

The other - and clearly more intelligent - part  find naps sublime! Giving it to the feelings of the moment, getting that deep REM sleep. What could be wrong.

No, haven't hit the reason for the title yet. Came home from a family party at 10:30 last night to find our garage door not working. This seems to happen 1 -2 times a year though it was replaced not that long ago. One of the giant springs snapped and was lodged tightly in a corner. Two hours later I had the spring out had dropped a screw and was not much closer to getting the door open manually as I was when I started.

Round two this morning. I am not sure if this qualifies under my "small things are small" philosophy. Another hour with no results and I feel that this will become BIG.

It has been almost two weeks since I posted anything new. I have a few stories to share but it seems that I am too tired when I get home to think straight. I will be off this week - yes both mentally "off" as well as not going to work. Will try to catch up. The mental exercise helps.

BTW there are 4 police cars on the street in front of my house at 10 am. Have no idea what is going on but no guns are drawn so that is a good thing.

Virtually all employees in any organization are subjected to performance appraisals. That is when your boss tells you how you performed over the past year and if you are lucky that you got a raise and/or bonus. As many employees who receive them also hate them -- a slight exaggeration at best.

I had a perfectly Dilbert -- like PA this year. My boss said NOTHING positive about my performance. The closest she came was a double negative, something to the effect that she did had no reason to believe that I was a bad supervisor.

My raise and bonus were actually OK. A bit less than I thought I deserved but that is par for the course. Yet I walked out less motivated to succeed than when I walked in. COME ON PEOPLE. It is not that hard to find good things to say even with employees that need to improve. We all can use some positive reinforcement now and then.

Lucky for my people that they have me for a boss and that I have learned from the best what not to do!